Pick up your Poop!

An annoying human behaviour has been discovered. Instead of cleaning up your dogs poo with a doggy bag and throwing it away again, people are actually tying them to the branches of trees and leaving them, all because they can't be bothered to hold onto the shit before they reach a bin. This is creating a whole new meaning the the phrase "the world is full of shit." Why would you bag up something that was previously biodegradable to make it non biodegradable. You've done the hard part, you've squelched it in your hand and scraped it of the cobbles, I just don't understand why you would do it?

I have invented a solution. All we have to do is sell doggy poo bags that have the address of the user printed on each one. If one of their bags is found hanging on a tree, the bag will be taken to their house by angry hooded teenagers and set alight. The teenagers will then knock on the door and watch as the owner stamps it out, getting poo all over their shoes.

Here are some other solutions to a poo free zone.

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If anyone else has any great, medium or crap ideas then send them to reuben_leon@hotmail.co.uk and Ill whack them up.

Urban lifts

When I was younger I always wished that there was a chair lift that went from my school to town, then we could get our lunch without walking. Even better if their were street vendors beside it handing out your food. To anyone that knows Kirkby Lonsdale, you will know that it is probably less than quarter of a mile from school to town, but at the time that was valuable smoking time, and we had to fit in the lunch time viewing of Neighbors, so we could envy Karl Kennedy's love life and discuss who was fitter, Lyn Scully or Susan Kennedy... blatantly Susan.

I always thought that an urban chair lift would be the best way of seeing a city by far. You're up high, you can see everyone looking like ants and you can fly right past things like the clock of Big Ben, even fly over the spires the Sagrada Familia. The only problem would be when you needed to go for a whiz... well the problem would be for the guy it lands on anyway.

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If anyone else has any great, medium or crap ideas then send them to reuben_leon@hotmail.co.uk and Ill whack them up.

Job Centre Randomiser

If anyone, like me, has not only stepped into a Job Centre but also had to go through the trauma of actually signing on too, then you will understand that free money is fricking awsome!! Unfortunately unless you're Devo or have any ambition at all then you can't stay on the doll forever.

When I was down there, they told me to pick three jobs that I was qualified to do. For some reason there was no jobs going for art director. Funny that. The system must have broke or something. I ended up picking bin man, motor way road layer and art worker. I was lying, I was not qualified to do any of these and I even told the lady, but she said it was fine. This meant that there were people doing jobs all over the country that did not actually know how to do them properly. So I thought to myself, if you do not have any clear career path in life or you just fancy a change, then why not just leave it up to fate and hit the Job Centre randomise button. Problem solved, and if you get bored just hit it again and swap with someone that has just hit it at the same time.

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If anyone else has any great, medium or crap ideas then send them to reuben_leon@hotmail.co.uk and Ill whack them up.

Share Crisps

Whenever your down the pub having a cheeky pint, there is nothing better than a crunchy pack of cheese and onion crisps to go with it. The only problem is when you're at the pub with friends, because then, however much you want to just scoff the whole lot down, you are sucked into the annoying, unwritten rule of sharing crisps with whoever is there. Damn English politeness. Anyway, a lot of people actually do like to share crisps in the pub. So below is an idea to make it easier to open them out, instead of biting the packet and choking on tiny bits of plastic.

Imagine the red tabs you get to open biscuits, it is one of those on a crisp packet.

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If anyone else has any great, medium or crap ideas then send them to reuben_leon@hotmail.co.uk and Ill whack them up.

Hover wheel chair

Recently my girlfriend expressed her true blondness, when she thought it would be a great idea to attempt a leap frog over a bollard down Clapham high street. NOT a very clever thing to do when you have 3 inch wedges on and you've just necked a bottle of wine. As she flew through the air, the wind blowing through her hair she had no idea that she was about to snap her tibia and fibula clean through, now sporting a brand new titanium rod with added screws.

This has led to a life of frustration and moving back in with the parents over the last four weeks. "You live and learn" I keep saying to her, but the response is always a kick to the nads with her good leg. Everyday she has to face obstacles such as slippy pavements, stairs and curbs while getting to the pub. So I have pieced together what can only be called the Hoverchair. An invention that will carry any differently abled person through all realms of life. It might need a bit of work on the modeling and building side if there are any takers.

Here are a few more that could work:

1. The Boring

2. The Wheel & Drive

3. The Bat Mobile

4. The Right Trousers

5. The Riser

6. The Royal

7. The Getaway

8. The Monster

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If anyone else has any great, medium or crap ideas then send them to reuben_leon@hotmail.co.uk and Ill whack them up.

Dial a meal... any meal

Ever seen the M&S adverts? Yeah me too. Didn't the chocolate cake ad make you dive at the screen and start licking it like a possessed dog, maybe that was just me. A lot of other people saw those ads that turn food into sex too, because chocolate cake sales rose 800% the week after, and there were even more people looking like possessed dogs. The annoying thing I find is that while Im licking the static and dust off the television screen, I realise that I am not licking sweet, moist chocolate cake, I am still licking dust and static. I want the food that I see on the TV there and then. I want to be able to pick up the phone and dial that big fat chocolate cake straight to my stomach. That's why someone should hurry up and start www.dialanymeal.com... please :).

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If anyone else has any great, medium or crap ideas then send them to reuben_leon@hotmail.co.uk and Ill whack them up.

Malteaser FAIL

So we decided to try and raise a Malteaser as high as we could for Comic Relief this year, I have no idea why, but it was definitely an entertaining use of our lunch break.

THE BRIEF: Raise a Malteaser as high as you can.

THE IDEA: Use a coke bottle, strap a Malteasers to it, and add Menthos. Throw in the air and watch it fly to the sky when it hits the ground (in theory).

How it should be done

How it shouldn't be done

Attempt 1: Coke covered FAIL

Attempt 2: Lid to tight FAIL

Attempt 3: Went Minus metres high FAIL

Attempt 4: EPIC DOUBLE WIN (but only went 2 metres up)

The urban ninja saves the day again.

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If anyone else has any great, medium or crap ideas then send them to reuben_leon@hotmail.co.uk and Ill whack them up.

Absinth makes the heart go wander

Absence may make the heart grow fonder but absinthe makes the heart go wander.

Tasty Water

Have you ever played a game of football, and taken an old Robinsons bottle full of water to cool you down when you get knacked after 5 minuets of ambitious sprinting? A Mark from Peep show moment that we have all experienced.

Little rant before the idea: What is pissing me off at the moment is the bad rep water is getting for no apparent reason. Oasis released that weird super duck advert with the slogan "for those that don't like water". Who doesn't like water!! you die after 3 days if you don't drink it, it makes up 80% of your body, it makes up 70% of the world, without it there would be no more life existing on our planet... what's not to like?

I can see Robinsons point though, that sometimes water could be a little more tasty than it is. So I have invented a small alteration to the bottle that will change lives, maybe even save them. It will not only make people enjoy water, but it will also encourage people to re-use their bottles and fill them up with tap water instead of buying a more chlorine tasting crap bottle of Evian from the supermarket, for real money. They are selling for over a quid now. Who thought you could make money off something you can get free from a tap, a tap that is not only in everyones house once but 2 - 5 times, unless your the queen and she probably has a lot more.

Anyway, you know when you take the first sip on a bottle of Robinsons after it has been filled up with water, and you can still taste the sweet crusted on bit that makes the rest of the sip taste like amazing blackcurrantness. Well what if there was a small sweet rim, like the picture shows above, that tasted like this amazing, sweet blackcurrantness all the time. You just buy another one for your bottle when it runs out of flavor and the bottle cap protects it from germs.

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If anyone else has any great, medium or crap ideas then send them to reuben_leon@hotmail.co.uk and Ill whack them up.

Words that don't sound right when said the wrong way round